堂本光一 - BPM

Reality and more reality

Actually right now,
I was supposed to sleep
Because I just felt so tired
It feels so weird that even though its only 2am now,
I already feel as if its 5am
I guess my body is starting to tell me that I need to get ready for school hours

Just before I go off to sleep
I decided to check through Domoto Kyoudai one more time
To see if there were any updates
True enough,
There were 2 new Jweb entries from Tsuyoshi

Translations thanks to chrissychen

Tsuyoshi's Love Fighter 2009.07.05: Festival of the Weaver 七夕 (Tanabata)

もうすぐ七夕ですね。
七夕が近づくとね
東京に出て来て
何年と天の川を
観ていないななんて事を
ふと考えてしまうのです。
奈良に住んでいた頃は
七夕の夜を仰げばそこに
天の川がくっきりと
流れていた。
その景色は
本当に綺麗で
思い出すだけで
胸が締め付けられる。
生きているんだ
全身で感動出来る場所へ
今日も
僕らしく歩いて行こう。

Translations:

Very soon, it will be the Festival of the Weaver (Evening of the Seventh; star festival)
Whenever this festival approaches
I will incidentally think of
how many years it has been
since I left for Tokyo
and last saw the Milky Way
When I was living in Nara
During the Festival of the Weaver, when one looks up into the sky at night
The Milky Way can distinctly be seen
streaming across the sky
That scenery
It's really beautiful
Just recollecting
is sufficient to tighten my chest
I am living
Today too
Let's walk towards
A place where our entire being can be deeply moved

Reading this gave me mixed feelings
Initially I thought that Tsuyoshi was feeling nostalgic,
For we all tend to be that way dont we?
Looking back to the past
And see how far we have gone
And as I see him describing the Milky Way,
Even though I dont know what is that
I can imagine how beautiful it wouldve been
I wonder how many of us
Can continuously walk towards a place where our entire being can be deeply moved

In such a busy society
Many of us really tend to forget to stop
And enjoy the things that are around us
We too tend to take many things for granted
Not knowing the significance of it
I too,
Want to continue living a fulfiled life~
I pray that somewhere deep within me
I can find the strength to go on~

Another post somehow touched me even more

Tsuyoshi's Love Fighter 2009.07.04: I want a piano!

僕は昨日、
ふと思ってしまう。
ピアノが欲しい！
ピアノ弾いても
クレームの来ない
部屋がいい！
かなり小さい音で
弾いているから
体に音が当たる感じが
少なくてイメージも
つまらなくなっていく。
楽器を演奏する空間は
やはり高さや奥行きが
ある方が良い。
歌う環境もそうだ。
単純に上手くなる。
心も体も
気持ちいいと
自然に上手くなるもの。
音楽には
頭や知識も必要だが
心が本当に必要。
いまの時代は
心のケアを忘れている。
心は何時の日か
なくなってしまうのかな
僕はそれ等を
音楽を通して
ずっとずっと
考えているんだ。

Translations:

Yesterday
I suddenly had this thought
I want a piano!
No matter how much I play
A house where nobody will come and complain
will be excellent!
Because I'm playing quite softly
The body cannot really feel the music
It becomes a dull affair
As expected, one really needs to have
a room which is tall and wide
for playing musicial instruments
It's also the same for singing
Simply put, one is able to perform better
When both the heart and body
feels good
One will naturally be able to do things better
When it comes to music
Whilst it is necessary to have knowledge of the mind
It's really necessary to have the heart
In these times
We have forgotten to care for matters of the heart
How soon will the day come
when the heart dies away?
All these things
Through music
Continuosly continously
I'm pondering over

This is a longer entry
Its surprising how the things that he is saying now
Has always been the things that runs through my mind in the past
Yupp I said in the past
Because the Yuanshan now
Really cant be bothered with much things
I guess that is one way to protect yourself
From dealing more damage ehs?

It is true that
In these times
We really have forgotten the matters of the heart
Following a tight schedule life
We just try to complete tasks after tasks
Until we even forget the reason why we are doing so much for
One day when the heart dies away
It would be very sad isnt it?

Had a talk with someone just now,
And I got to know about some situation
Somehow when I see situations like that
I cant help but feel sad
I know sad sounds like a very mild word
Which is why I hate how words in Japanese can never be fully expressed through English
Kanashii yo~
Seeing how friends can neglect your good will for them
Seeing how easy it is for friends to start barking at you
Just because you do things that is not according to their logical point of view

Is that how thin friendship can be?
Where small things in life can easily break years of relationships
And easily make you turn your back on someone
Who has been there with you for years
I know that I am in no position to say all these
But somehow seeing the people around me behaving like this
I really just cant help it but feel sad

I was reading chrissychen's point of view of Tsuyoshi's entry
And she said that this is just so Tsuyo
The entertainment world is supposed to be a place for glamour
And a place of dreamland where people can escape into
Yet Tsuyoshi wants to do the exact opposite
He wants to bring his fans into the hard reality of the world
Instead of putting them through denial
The reality where people around us are hurting one another more,
And relationships and feelings are neglected
Hopefully through that, we will love the ones around us more

She feels that
Tsuyoshi has always been like an angel who has accidentally come into this world
and cannot understand why people
would rather choose to hurt one another than to love each other.
Even now, he probably still can't understand why but at least now,
he has the strength to face the ugly reality
and to try to do his little bit to bring the world closer to his heaven.

Reading that,
I just cant help but think of the time
When he almost commited suicide
Just because he decided to go solo,
Because he wants to do his own kind of music,
Apart from the music that KinKi Kids does
Yet at this point of time,
Everyone instead of supporting it,
Some ignorant fans chose to slam him
Saying that KinKi Kids is dispersed
Accusing them of not being able to get along well with each other
And at that same moment

His parents are undergoing a divorce
So many things happening at the same time
Its inevitable that he would have depression
Even though at that period of time
I was still his fan
I was still crazy over him
I didnt know all these
Because internet wasnt accessible to me at that point of time
And such news are always not on the internet during that era
How I wish that I could be there for him
Even as a fan

This kind of Tsuyoshi is the Tsuyoshi that I love
And also the reason why KinKi Kids songs have always touched me so
I dont need to escape from reality
I dont need sugar coated words
Even though in the past I tend to escape from reality
Living in denial
Trying to avoid the ugliness of the world
I know all these will eventually turn futile
And it did
Because in the end I still ended up hurt

Which is why right now
I will face the reality head on
And break down whatever bad things that may come
And continue to walk on
Because I still believe that
Somewhere out there
There are people/someone who is different
Who will treat me with the most sincere heart
Such people exists
Because I can tell

From the relationship that Tsuyoshi has with Koichi
During that darkest period of life for Tsuyoshi
Koichi has always been there for him
Even volunteering to help him out in his solo concert
Tsuyoshi also once said
If Koichi wasnt there, he probably wouldnt be alive now

Such a tight bond
Such a true relationship
I know it belongs to me
Somewhere out there~

Nothing wrong is going on with my life now
Yet I wonder why
As I am typing these
My eyes are tearing up
Because of KinKi Kids songs?
The lyrics that Tsuyoshi wrote?
The music that Koichi made?
I wonder...

I know that right now,
You are still trying to search for the real you
All I want to say is
No matter who you are
I will accept you with open arms
For afterall, you used to be my beloved prince
My dear Kindaichi
You have always occupied an important place in my heart
That can never be erased, not even by my future lover
And I pray that
Soon enough,
You will be able to find
Your true self